I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
