I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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