Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
