im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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