It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
