Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
