I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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