i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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