Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
