I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
