the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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