have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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