i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
