I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
