i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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