What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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