i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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