Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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