My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
