I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
