Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
