Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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