Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
