I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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