Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
