He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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