I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
do herpes really smell.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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