Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
