last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
