My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize