Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
