tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
