OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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