I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
