Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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