Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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