after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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