He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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