saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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