I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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