can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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