please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
