dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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