I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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