her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
