I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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