final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
now i know why i became what i already was.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
