I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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