I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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