Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
