I hate your face
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
